Written by Daz Burns
Creating an environment that promotes open, safe korero about mental wellness by being self-aware of how you show up and how you can break down barriers.
Goodbye.
It’s not a word I want to have to say to someone I love. Ever. So I want to do everything in my control to create a safe environment for safe conversations to support mental health and save lives. In this blog I will talk about being human, flawed and open to not knowing all the answers – but committed and courageous to show up and try.
I’m Not Ok.
The phone call.
The message.
The post.
The silence.
The wondering.
The wishing.
The blame.
The heartbreak.
The sadness.
The missing.
The emptiness.
The why’s.
The drive.
The change.
The commitment.
The memories.
We quintessential tough Kiwi’s are bloody useless at saying “I’m not ok”.
Maybe that is because sometimes we don’t know that we are feeling “off”?
Maybe that is because people seem too ‘busy’ to talk to?
Maybe that is because peace seems too far out of reach?
Maybe that is because we think we must be ‘strong’, not ‘weak’?
Maybe that is because in the rat race we just have to keep going?
Until we can’t anymore?
Mike King talked about this with Mark Richardson a few years ago in an interview and said that the main reason for people not asking for help was “I’m worried about what other people will think, I’m worried about what other people will say and I’m worried about how it will affect me in the future”.
This is so triggering.
Because in our minds we think we are approachable right?!
We are kind?!
We make people feel at ease?!
We see them regularly, they can talk to us about anything.
We don’t judge.
And yet.
People pass away, tragically.
Too often.
How did we miss the signs?!
Why didn’t they talk to us?!
What did I miss?!
Truth be told, there probably were no signs.
When you were around them…
They felt like sunshine.
They were the life of the party.
They brought joy to your days.
They were strong.
They were there for you when you needed them.
They also fought a lonely battle behind closed doors.
What can you do?
As friends.
As family.
As work mates.
As bosses.
As people.
We need to control our controllables.
The environment we create.
And the culture we develop within it and around us.
How we react in situations.
How we talk to others.
How we talk to ourselves.
We can control.
Because as Glennon Doyle would put it “we can do hard things”.
By no means are any of us the picture of perfection.
And how boring life would be if we were!
We are going to make mistakes.
We are going to drop the ball.
We are going to miss things.
We are going to wish we acted differently.
Being human, with flaws and cock ups is a great thing for everyone around you to be honest.
You just need to own it, front it, put your hand up and say “well that was a giant fuck up on my part, sorry about that”.
And smile.
Because you are doing the best you can.
Brene Brown said “vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness”.
By being conscious of the environment we are creating around ourselves and how we act within the environment, leads to safe spaces for safe conversations.
It sends messages of love.
Acceptance.
Friendship.
Understanding.
Belonging.
Truth.
Kindness.
Empathy.
Openness.
It is 100% ok to not be ok.
It is 100% ok to not know all the answers.
It is 100% ok to feel lost.
It is 100% ok to ask for support and keep asking until you get what you need.
Just keep asking.
Be relentless.
Please.
Please reach out.
There are so many places you can delve deeply and I highly recommend you take the time to understand mental health both for those around you and for yourself.
Have conversations, openly about mental wellness, about how you are feeling, ask how others are doing and for the love of God don’t accept “good” as an answer that paints a true picture of how someone is. Know your people. We all have a story to share. A topic we can talk about. You don’t have to have answers to problems, just empathy and attention.
As a starting point The Mental Health Foundation have great resources https://mentalhealth.org.nz/ and watch Dr. Lucy Hone’s Ted Talk ‘3 secrets of resilient people’ that shares practical, achievable strategies for resilience and was also voted in the Ted Talks top 20 list of 2020.
Lane advice heading –
Lifeline (open 24/7) – 0800 543 354
Depression Helpline (open 24/7) – 0800 111 757
Healthline (open 24/7) – 0800 611 116
Samaritans (open 24/7) – 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis Helpline (open 24/7) – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
Youthline (open 24/7) – 0800 376 633. You can also text 234 for free between 8am and midnight, or email [email protected]
0800 WHATSUP children’s helpline – phone 0800 9428 787 between 1pm and 10pm on weekdays and from 3pm to 10pm on weekends. Online chat is available from 7pm to 10pm every day.
Kidsline (open 24/7) – 0800 543 754. This service is for children aged 5 to 18. Those who ring between 4pm and 9pm on weekdays will speak to a Kidsline buddy. These are specially trained teenage telephone counsellors.
Your local Rural Support Trust – 0800 787 254 (0800 RURAL HELP)
Alcohol Drug Help (open 24/7) – 0800 787 797. You can also text 8691 for free.
Reference section
Doyle, Glennon. Untamed. First edition. New York: The Dial Press, 2020.
Dr. Lucy Hone, Co-director of New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing and Resilience. https://www.ted.com/speakers/lucy_hone
